Bluebird day-a term used by us snow lovers to describe the glorious day on the slopes where not only do you have great conditions but you bathe in the sun. This last Sunday was a bluebird day, full of sun and fun and runs down the mountain. I previously did not appreciate springtime for all that it was, bright, sunny, and full of possibilities. The change in light illuminates all there is to be grateful for and the joy of life. I appreciate where I am in my journey and recognize the changes coming.
I’m a failure and no one wants me or loves me. This repeats in my mind, depression’s way of pulling me down into the dark. I reach out and no one’s there. I’m lost and empty and hurt. Often I feel too empty to engage. I withdraw often and without discretion and struggle to participate, even when being physically present. Depression reminds me of every failed relationship, every person who has shown me how undesirable and unwanted I am, how they are fulfilled and satisfied now that I am no longer in their lives. I reach out but no one wants me.
My mind nitpicks every awful memory. I constantly worry about why and how I’m inadequate, no only in romantic relationships but friendships, family relationships, etc. I agonize about not being able to successfully dig myself out of my depression. Recently, I had the opportunity to learn from the state of Montana’s suicide prevention coordinator and it was quite eye opening: both to the multitude of reasons why Montana frequently is one of the top states for suicide and, introspectively, how deep and dark this phase of my depression had become. I don’t where that landed me but for someone who is quite introspective, it’s scary to recognize the darkness within myself.
Most of the previous two paragraphs were written at a different part of this struggle with my mental health and it was something I was afraid to share with the world. I’m coming to terms with who I am and was. I’m coming back to myself once again and fearing the roller coaster and the darkness less. I’m recognizing the darkness but appreciating the light. Recognizing the divine link between the dark and the light.
After a recent trip to New Orleans, I have been able to refocus myself and take general steps in a positive direction for what feels like the first time in a year. (I know there have been other periods including my return to reality after the yoga retreat in Aruba but this is feeling more focused and sustainable.) I recognize what led me down the path to one of the darkest periods of my life, a topic for another time, and I have some gratitude for the darkness. I reflect on many quotes about how there can be no light without darkness and as the seasons change I soak in all the sun, light, and goodness of life. I’m refocusing my diet (much to the dismay of friends), my physicality, my spirituality, and my general engagement in life.
I’m trying not to sit in the bad and to not live in fear but live with intentionality and gratitude for what is before me. I honor where I have been and the experiences I have had because they have made me the woman I am. I promise to value the divine being within myself. I value the lows but chose to focus on the spring and sun in the present.